


Miss Missing You

by Leafontehwind



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Coming to Terms with the Past, Derek Has Issues, Established Relationship, F/M, Future Fic, Gen, I tagged people who were mentioned in memories, M/M, More or less Cannon Compliant, Mostly it's just the Derek and Stiles show, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-29 23:49:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leafontehwind/pseuds/Leafontehwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek doesn't always actively avoid feelings, though he doesn't necessarily like talking about them, sharing. Sometimes, he just pushes them down, suppressing them and locking them away; it's a myriad of avoidance coupled with replacing them with the urgency of more pressing issues like protecting the pack.</p><p>But, it hits him one day that the things that happened in the past are just that, in the past. They're replaced by things, by people who make him better... And that scares the ever living shit out of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miss Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> Over a month ago I saw Fall Out Boy and during their set of 'Miss Missing You' there were images behind the band, and there was a burning house... So, my brain did the thing. And now, I have a ~~drabble~~ one shot fic.
> 
> I wrote this instead of updating my WIPs because my computer is now sort of broken, and I wanted to make sure it was working well enough to do some writing in. Didn't want to get an update done just to have it crash on me. I'd cry and curse... it wouldn't be pretty.
> 
> If you don't know the song, I posted it on my tumblr [Here.](http://subtleasahatchet.tumblr.com/post/63297619254) Like I like to say, the song isn't a perfect metaphor, but I like how it fits in my mindset; hopefully you'll like it too.
> 
> Kudos, comments-- everything is more than appreciated dearies.
> 
> Also, thanks to my friends for prodding me to actually write the things we talk about all the time.

Derek was well aware now of how long the road of recovery could be. How long it took him to come to terms with things. For him, it felt like everything that had happened weighed him down. Ever since Paige, since Kate and the death of his family... And the unexpected loss of Laura... Hell, even Jennifer. He was scarred with the wounds of times past, losses of those who were irreplaceable and of loves past. What happened with Paige was inexcusable. Luring her to be turned and then putting her out of her misery... It still plagued him, but it wasn’t just that. It wasn’t what bothered him the most.

It was the ache of thinking that you had a future with someone, thinking that you were their person, their everything-- just to have that trust deceived. That was what stayed with him more than anything. Not just to have the illusion ripped away from him, but coupled with the weight of his family’s demise on his shoulders... To say it crushed him was the worst sort of understatement.

In the height of their relationship, he was foolish enough to think that this was it, that Kate was the one. He was naive and childish; And, damn it all, he was hopeful. Wanting to be as happy as his parents had been. He wanted what they had together. He wanted the contented family life, his own little pack. Derek had, as foolish as he had been, thought that he had found what he desired with Kate. This gorgeous older woman who, for some reason, was interested in him. Christ, looking back now? She had played her part so very well.

She was the first person in a long time that he had told his secrets to, confided in her about being a werewolf; about everything. There was nothing that he had kept from her. There even had been one night, alone in her car out parked in the preserve where he told her about Paige, about the girl who he had put out of her misery when she didn’t take to the bite. When she lay dying in his arms. She had been soothing to him as his resolve cracked, tears trailing down his face.

Her voice still rang in his ears clear to this day, _’Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t your fault. You, you helped that poor girl. Just think of the pain you saved her._ ’

It was then that Derek started thinking words like forever and associating it with her.

After the fire, when he and Laura tried to start a new life in New York, Derek had wished that there had been some reason or hint that would have led him to realize what she was. A cruel streak; something that would have given her away. Most nights, he tortured himself with going over every minute spent with her, picking apart every word spoken, ever action... He couldn’t remember detecting her lies, though he wasn’t sure that he had actually been looking for them.

As always, it wasn’t that simple. He had fallen for her trick and it had cost him dearly. Nothing anyone said had disuaded the guilt any less. It did nothing to the guilt that wormed its way into the very fibers of his being, Derek swore he even felt it in his bones.

With Jennifer... it had been like a dream. Every moment he spent with her felt unreal, but it remembered that at the time it had felt right. That he had started to think of her as his mate, as someone that he would be spending the rest of his life with. That should have been his first clue that after such a short amount of time, he started that same vein of thinking that had taken months or even a year for him to get to that. The other thing that really should have tipped him off, and it would have, if he had been able to think clearly; was that he started thinking of her as more important than his pack.

He could have stopped the sacrifices, could have stopped her before she took Melissa or the Sheriff; But, Derek didn’t have the strength to get her out of his head. She was obsessed with him because of what he did for her unknowingly, how he had given the Nemeton power. In the end, he was just a pawn for her. She used him, her magic drugged him into feeling more for her...

And for a while, he had thought that that was what he was good for. All he was good for. He hadn’t cared when Peter told him that saving Cora might do more than strip him of his Alpha status. When it came to his little sister, he would do everything to save her, even lose his life. At least then, something good would have come out of all of this. Out of returning to Beacon Hills. Other than getting justice from the woman who had slaughtered most of his family. Cora would be his legacy, she would live on and there was some peace in that.

Derek was glad that it didn’t kill him, that they were able to save Cora and that they stopped Jennifer and Deaucalion. It gave him the chance to go on a road trip with his sister, to bond in a way that helped restore them. Neither of them were the people they remembered, the kids that grew up together all those years ago were gone. Cora was tough as nails now, because she had to be. Though, as they drove through the Midwest (he thinks) he saw a bit of the tomboy brat that she used to be shining through her new exterior.

That was when Derek knew that deciding to leave Beacon Hills for a short while had been good for them. It helped them grieve again, grieve for their family, for Boyd and Erica. 

After two months, they were back in California. Scott still considered them pack, though Derek didn’t expect the warm welcome he got from the pack.

It wasn’t perfect, though nothing ever was, but it was good. The pack was strong and worked well together, especially with its human counterparts. There were still threats, Deaton hadn’t been lying when he said that now supernatural beings would be attracted to Beacon Hills. But, they made it through it all.

Reflecting on everything that had happened since he looked into Laura’s disappearance those few years ago, it had all been leading up to this. To where he was now.

It was terrifying. Realizing that there wasn’t an overbearing, crushing weight on his shoulders anymore was startling. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel guilty anymore; that wouldn’t go away, not completely. The anger and dark despair that coiled around his gut seemed to fade away. It obviously wasn’t just because Kate got her comeuppance and justice was served. That someone put an end to Jennifer and he had been working with Deaton to protect his mind from being tricked with magic again... It was something else.

Something had changed him, wormed their way into his life and broke down his walls like a wrecking ball. Someone else had become his anchor now that the blinding anger had subsided. A talkative teenager, who didn’t back down and challenged him. This infuriatingly amazing person who brought him out of his shell, along with some help from the pack, taught him how to live again. To breathe again.

Derek turned his head from where he sat on the couch, eyes drifting over to the table where Stiles sat. They were in the loft, Stiles was working on a term paper, mumbling to himself softly when he wasn’t chewing on the end of his high lighter. The werewolf remembered when Stiles had basically cackled at the course catalogue when he picked one of his online classes. Derek still had no idea how Stiles managed to take so many classes, let alone several of them online; he had argued at the time that with his ADHD it might actually be better that way, able to bounce back and forth between a couple of courses. The class had been called _Diversity, Disagreement, and Democracy: Can’t We All Just Get Along?_. There even was a joke cracked about how supernatural creatures should be required to take the class, that way things would be less messy later on.

His lips curved upwards in a smile as he watched the younger man work, his fingers now flying over the keys of his laptop, teeth sucking his bottom lip into his mouth as he nodded. Derek was always fascinated with Stiles, sometimes irritated, but fascinated none the less. He was incredibly intelligent and immature and selfless.

He was in love with him. Derek knew that, but it wasn’t something that was easy for him to deal with. Hell, he had been in love with Stiles for months now and he still hadn’t told him.

The night that he realized it, was when the pack got together before they started college.

Jackson had finally come back from the UK and even expressed to Lydia that he was happy that she had moved on. The change in him had been shocking, but Derek thought that part of that was due to everything that had happened to him when he was the kanima. Well, that and the new pack that he had found overseas. Derek could tell that they had all changed for the better.

Isaac, Allison and Scott were laying on top of each other on one of the couches, content as they watched the movie on the projector that Peter had rigged up for the movie night. Ethan, Danny and Jackson were sitting at the table talking in hushed tones,trying not to disturb the movie too much. Aiden was sitting in the arm chair with Lydia perched on his lap, commenting back and forth in whispers, sharing secrets with each other or making fun of the movie. Derek didn’t dare listen in.

After Derek put out plates of snacks on the coffee table, he walked back to the kitchen area, spotting Stiles watching the pack with a fond smile on his face. Stiles pulled out his phone, snapping a few pictures with it. He even managed to get a few of Peter and Cora as they sat on the winding metal stairs.

Stiles turned and grinned at him before he walked over to Derek and pulled him in for a kiss. Derek was too distracted by the feel of Stiles licking past the seam of his lips to hear the slight clicking sound that the phone made as their picture was taken.

When Stiles pulled away, breathless, he glanced at the picture he took. _‘Good, your eyes were closed.’_ Derek looked down at the phone, startled to see how happy they both looked. How open their faces looked as they kissed.

It was then that he realized, looking down at the moment that Stiles had captured. The framing was awkward and there was a tilt to the picture... But it was all he needed to realize that he was head over heels in love with Stiles Stilinski.

 _‘C’mon Sourwolf, lets snag the other couch before zombie wolf claims it like he did last time,_ ’ Stiles rolled his eyes before dragging Derek over to the couch, making the werewolf sit first so he could settle in the space between his legs, back resting against Derek’s chest and his head resting back in the curve of his shoulder.

They spent the night like that, arguing amiably about the movie eating junk food. Stiles fell asleep on him, turned on his side so one hand curled against his broad chest, his mouth parted. Derek remembered not watching the movie that Scott put on after that, instead he lay there enraptured by the fan of Stiles’ eyelashes against his cheeks, and traced the moles that littered his skin with his eyes.

He knew that telling him that night wasn’t the right time to do it, but he should have told Stiles by now. Let him know the depth of his feelings for him.

But, Derek was being a coward. Because this was terrifying. Knowing the kind of power that this held over him. These feelings weren’t what he was used to dealing with, he wasn’t used to feeling this...vulnerable. Not since the last person he let in shattered his trust. He was used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, to being used because he didn’t deserve to be happy.

He had hope again, he had someone to be with, to love and live for.

Over the past few months, he missed how it was before Stiles. He missed being alone in the pack and not being attached this much to one person. It wasn’t because he liked living that way, or that he wanted to give Stiles up. It was just that he <i>knew</i> how to deal with those feelings. Living so long with the hatred and guilt eating away at him, sometimes it felt like that was the only thing that he was good at. It was familiar. In a way, it was safe.

He missed missing Kate. Missed wishing that he could go back, that he could still have that illusion of love and trust that came with their sham of a relationship. He missed beating himself up over someone who never really cared about him. Missed missing the feel of her skin against his and hating himself for it. Missed the end of summer when they’d first met. Missed staying out of relationships or making more ties than he needed to, knowing that sometimes the person that you’d take a bullet for was the one behind the trigger.

Derek knew that it was stupid, it was stupid to think that living in hate was easier than taking the leap and being happy. And, he could do that with Stiles.

He could have new dreams to replace the ones that were a mere wisp of smoke in the back of his mind like a half forgotten memory from when he was too young. Derek realized that he could want all of it with Stiles... And maybe even have it with him.

It was still too early to dive in head first, though they weren’t exactly just dipping their toes into this. They had known each other long enough that when they started dating, it wasn’t that much different then when they weren’t together. There was just much more kissing.

And when Stiles committed to something, he was in.

One hundred percent. That meant that he deserved to know the truth.

“Stiles,” Derek spoke softly, breaking the silence of the loft, knowing that he wasn’t going to back down, to retreat with his proverbial tail between his legs. Christ, even thinking like that was proof that he was spending so much time with Stiles; even his tactless dog jokes were rubbing off on him.

“Hm?” Stiles answered distractedly, turning a few pages to one of the four books he had spread around his computer. Sometimes when Stiles was working on something he was completely invested in whatever he was tasking on that he only half listened to what was going on around him. He got completely absorbed in what he was working on. At times, Derek had suggested something lewd for shock value to get him to actually pay attention.

He knew that maybe it should be a bigger gesture than this, maybe take him out for dinner and tell him over the desert they eat while leaning against the hood of his car, staring out at the preserve. But, that wasn’t what counted. While dinner would be nice, thats all it would be; just a dinner. That wasn’t what counted; no, it wasn’t what _mattered_.

Just saying the words, professing his love was what mattered. No matter how he dressed it up, that’s what it came down to.

“I...” Derek paused, drawing up the courage and steeling himself despite knowing that Stiles wasn’t going to hurt him or turn him away. He just wasn’t. “I love you.”

“Yeah, me t-- Wait, what?” Stiles did a double take before punching a few keys on his computer, presumably to save his work before he closed it. He drummed his fingers on the table for a short minute before turning back to look at Derek. “Where did that come from?”

' _From months, days, hours of minutes past, completely wasted on you not knowing_ ,' Derek thought to himself. Maybe he should have made more of an overture, not just blurting it out while Stiles was working on school work.

Derek shrugged, letting out a breath of air through his nose while his arms defensively, it was an old habit to break. He titled his head to the side, eying Stiles for a beat, “Does it matter?

Stiles shook his head, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, “No, not really.”

There was a silence that settled between the two of them for a moment. Derek frowned staring at the floor, trying not to be hurt with the lack of reciprocation. He wanted to hear it, but he also rationally knew that this was Stiles’ first real relationship, that he might not be ready to say the words or might not even feel that for him yet. All while knowing all of this, he still hoped that Stiles felt the same way.

Despite his desire, he wouldn’t push the subject if it wasn’t something that Stiles wanted to say or talk about. He knew how it was to be forced to do things that he didn’t want to. Looking back at his time with Jennfer, remembering how he felt violated after the fact... that was definitely not something that he wanted. Even when he was the alpha, he always asked people if they wanted the bite. Granted, he went about it all the wrong way, he still _asked_.

Especially now, he would not betray Stiles’ trust by forcing him to do or say something that he didn’t necessarily want to do. Not that he thought that he could _make_  the younger man do anything.

Drawing Derek out of his thoughts, Stiles stood. He shoved his hands into the jeans of his pocket before walking over and sitting down so close to the other man that their thighs were touching. Instead of saying anything, Derek focused on the erratic heartbeat that had sped up in the last couple of minutes. It was what the former alpha was focused on, trying to will himself not to shut down. Not to walk into the other room to sulk and give Stiles some time alone.

“Derek,” He felt a hand rest against where his arms crossed, warm, solid and _right_.

The beta looked down, watched Stiles’ thumb brush back and forth over his taunt skin. He took in the sight, as he had done countless times before of the contrast between their two skin tones and how they seemed to compliment one another. “It’s okay, Stiles. You don’t have to--”

“Yes Derek,” Stiles cut him off, tone leaving no room for argument. “I do.” He pulled Derek’s arms apart, pulling the one closest hand towards him to rest palm down on his chest, fingers splayed over his heart. “I have known you for years. You were bossy and insufferable; and still are. Though I like it when you let me be bossy too, and not just in the bedroom.”

Derek snorted a laugh despite himself, not having a clue where this was going. Though, to be fair, a lot of times he didn’t know where Stiles’ thought process was going until he made his point. He just desperately hoped that this one wasn’t going to be a kind let down.

“I hate the way you still run into bad situations that could get you hurt without waiting for us to figure out an actual plan, I hate when you get me so angry and you’re under my skin and I can’t tell if I want to fuck you or punch you in your stupidly handsome face. I hate the way you sometimes leave wet towels on the floor when you’re done toweling off after a shower causing me to slip on it--”

“That was one time,” Derek argued before Stiles put an index finger against the werewolf’s lips, silencing him.

“Twice, that was totally twice. But, I love the way you like to air dry after toweling off, walking into the bedroom and it’s like every wet dream I ever had about you just came true. I love the way your ears turn pink when you’re embarrassed,” Stiles lifted his hand to trace the shell of Derek’s left ear, fingers sliding back into jet black hair.

He shifted, swinging his leg over the beta’s legs so he was straddling his hips. “I love the way you kiss me breathless. The way our bodies seem to fit together just right, no matter how stupidly romantic that sounds, I don’t care, its the fucking truth. I hate the way you hog the blankets despite how warm your body temperature is; seriously, though, you’re like a freaking furnace. I love how sweet you are, and you can’t argue that you’re not! I know all about what you did for Cora when she had a bad day at work, let alone all the chocolates you leave me when you think I’m having a bad day or a stressful test coming up.

Stiles leaned forward, trapping Derek’s hand between them as he rested his forehead against Derek’s. “I love the way you refuse to call my dad by his name, it’s been how long and you still call him sir or sheriff? Trying to be the model boyfriend to make sure he doesn’t hate you is so ridiculously adorable I can’t even...”

He shook his head, lips stretched in a wide grin. “But, do you know what I love more than all of that? Even more than your abs or ass that I could bounce a quarter off of? That completely out shines any habit or thing you do that makes me angry or annoyed?”

Derek shook his head, his free hand snaking around Stiles’ waist as the younger man leaned back so he could look him in his eyes. “You, Sourwolf. I love you. I’ve been completely, ridiculously in love with you for I don’t know how long.”

Stiles placed both hands on the sides of Derek’s face and pulled him forward in an impassioned kiss, one that felt less like a fight for dominiance, but more of a reassurance. Showing more than what words could and that they were on the same page.

Derek didn’t know how long they stayed like that, hands roaming under the hem of t-shirts, lips and tongues dancing in a feverish dance. When Stiles pulled back with his eyes bright and happy, lips swollen and red from use, Derek couldn’t help the smile that stretched across his lips. But, after a moment, he put on a more somber expression, not being able to help himself, “Just remember who said it first.”

Stiles gawked at him, rolling his eyes as he got up, extending a hand to him. “Yeah yeah, you say I love you, I give you an awesome speech professing my love for you. Bedroom.”

Lifting a brow, Derek took the proffered hand and lifted himself off of the couch. “Bossy.”

“You love me,” Stiles pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth before dragging him the direction of the bedroom.

“Yeah,” the werewolf said, ducking his head with a wide, open smile playing on his lips. “I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> I think I forgot to mention I have a LOT of Derek Hale feels. Who doesn't?
> 
> The line I really liked that I used from the song:  
> "Sometimes before it gets better  
> the darkness gets bigger  
>  **The person you'd take a bullet for is the one behind the trigger** "
> 
> Accurate.
> 
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
